A deposition is a formal conversation in which a cat is asked questions it has no intention of answering. Preparation is everything. Here is our list of statements to avoid.
- “I did not knock that glass off the table.” The glass is on the floor, the cat is on the table, and the paw is wet.
- “I was only looking at the curtain.” Nobody looks at a curtain for four minutes.
- “I do not know what the plant was doing there.” The plant was in its pot until Tuesday.
- “That was already broken.” It was a vase, and it was fine.
- “I have never been on the counter.” There is a paw print in the butter.
- “Dinner was served on time.” It was served eleven minutes late and everyone knows it.
- “I was asleep at the time.” Unless you can prove it, this one makes things worse.
- “The dog started it.” The dog is a friend of the firm and will be hurt.
- “I am not hungry.” You will be in forty seconds.
- “No further questions.” This is only for the attorney to say.
How to Answer Instead
The firm recommends a slow blink, followed by an extended grooming of the left shoulder. This communicates calm and suggests the question is beneath you. If pressed, yawn.
A Note About Eye Contact
Prolonged eye contact can be read as a threat. Looking away entirely can be read as guilt. The sweet spot is to look at a point just past the questioner’s ear, as though a bird has appeared there.
When to Call Us
If you have been accused of anything involving a shelf, a ribbon, or a Christmas tree, please call at once. Leave a message by sitting on the phone.
This list is parody and is not real legal advice. Nothing here will help you in an actual deposition, but it may help you with an actual cat.