TO: All attorneys and support staff. FROM: Office of the Senior Partner. RE: Warm laptops and the duty of disclosure.
It has come to our attention that several associates have begun lying on laptops during client meetings. While we appreciate the dedication, this behaviour creates a conflict of interest when the laptop belongs to the opposing party.
New Rules
- Any laptop above 38 degrees must be declared on arrival
- Staff may not sit on a laptop owned by a person they are suing
- The Enter key may not be held down by a paw for strategic effect
- Spreadsheets are off limits unless a cat is already on them
Rationale
A warm laptop is a dazzling temptation. It is a heated bed with a screen, and it responds when you step on it. The firm recognises this. However, ethical guidelines must exist, and we have written them down so we can sit on them.
In a recent matter, an associate lay on a keyboard and accidentally sent an email consisting entirely of the letter j. The client interpreted this as a settlement offer and accepted it. The result was favourable but not repeatable.
Exceptions
Cats may sit on a laptop when the human is on a call and clearly needs a moment. This is not a legal exception but a moral one, and it is billed accordingly.
Enforcement
Violations will be reviewed by the disciplinary board, which consists of Biscuit Pennington and a sock. Penalties range from a verbal warning to a mandatory bath, though the latter has never been carried out because no one wants to do it.
Please acknowledge receipt of this memo by sitting on it. Thank you.
A Personal Note From the Founding Partner
Bartholomew Whiskerton III asks that all staff remember why we are here: to defend the cat, not the keyboard. He then fell asleep on the keyboard, which the board has agreed to overlook for now.
This memo is a work of parody and is not an actual workplace policy for any real office.