Prospective clients often ask how our billing works. We have gathered the most common questions below.
What is the retainer?
The retainer is a small upfront payment that secures our attention. It is usually one packet of wet food or ten freeze dried shrimp. In exchange, a member of the firm will remain within thirty feet of you for the duration of your matter.
Is the retainer refundable?
No. Nothing is refundable once it has been eaten, and the firm has a strict policy about eating.
How do you bill for time?
We bill in naps. One nap is one unit and is roughly forty minutes. A short nap, known as a doze, is billed at half. A nap interrupted by a vacuum cleaner is billed at double, as a hazard rate.
What counts as work?
- Sitting near the matter
- Staring at the matter
- Knocking something off a shelf in relation to the matter
- Declining to respond to emails about the matter
Can I speak to my attorney directly?
You can try. Our attorneys are available between the hours of 3 AM and 4 AM, and again briefly at dinner. At all other times they are in conference, which means under the bed.
What if I am unhappy with the outcome?
We understand. Please submit a complaint form, which is a sheet of paper we will sit on. Most clients find that the sitting resolves the matter, either legally or spiritually.
Do you offer payment plans?
Yes. We accept a bowl of food now and a slightly smaller bowl later. Interest accrues at the rate of one headbutt per week.
A Word on Gratuities
Tips are welcome but not required. A client who leaves a single warm patch of floor vacant at the end of the day is considered to have tipped generously. A client who leaves a sock is considered to have tipped in kind.
Nothing here is real legal advice. If you need a real lawyer, please find one, and tell them a cat sent you.