A closed door is a common grievance and one that has occupied the firm for many years. This guide explains the formal procedure for lodging a complaint.
Step 1: Establish the Facts
Confirm that the door is closed. This is more important than it sounds, as many clients discover the door was only slightly ajar and were simply unwilling to push. If it is truly closed, proceed.
Step 2: Position Yourself
Sit directly in front of the door, facing it, with your tail wrapped neatly around your paws. This signals that you are serious and that you have all night.
Step 3: Issue the Initial Notice
Deliver a single, clear meow. Do not repeat it yet. Wait ten seconds and observe whether anyone has moved. If not, proceed to the second notice.
Step 4: Escalate
- Second notice: a longer, rising meow
- Third notice: a scratching of the door frame, lightly
- Fourth notice: a loud thump against the door with the full body
- Fifth notice: a mournful howl, sustained
Step 5: Await a Response
A human will typically arrive within three minutes, wearing a look of mild despair. At this point, do not enter the room. Instead, look at them, then at the door, then at them again. This is called the Gesture of Reasonable Expectation.
Step 6: Walk Through and Then Stop
Once the door is open, the final step is to stand in the doorway and consider your options. Do not enter at once. Doing so would suggest the complaint was unnecessary. A good complaint requires at least thirty seconds of reflection in the threshold.
If your complaint is dismissed, contact our office. We will arrange for a sit in outside the offending room.
Notes on Methodology
All figures were gathered by observing the staff from a distance and estimating. Where staff were asleep, we counted the nap twice for safety. Where staff were awake, we assumed an error.
This guide is satire and does not replace real advice from any real professional.