Dear Mr. Marmalade, thank you for your letter of the 14th, in which you describe the dog bed as occupied, unfair, and smelling slightly of dog. We have given your concerns careful consideration over a sustained period of rest.
Summary of Your Position
You state that the bed is the largest and softest in the house, that it was left empty at 2 PM, and that you were therefore entitled to occupy it. You further state that the dog returned and appeared to be upset. You request that we file a formal complaint against the dog.
Our Assessment
We have reviewed the evidence and find that your claim is strong. The bed is large. The dog was absent. You were comfortable. These are the three pillars on which every successful bed claim is built.
However, we must note the weakness in your case. The bed was purchased for the dog, and the dog has a receipt in the form of a very sad expression. A court may regard this as significant.
Our Recommendation
- Remain in the bed and say nothing
- If the dog approaches, close your eyes and breathe slowly
- Do not hiss, as this will be counted against you
- If the dog lies down nearby, consider this a friendly settlement
- Consider also the cardboard box nearby, which is smaller but entirely yours
Fees
We have billed you for two hours of consultation, which includes the time we spent in the bed ourselves for research purposes. A receipt is attached in the form of a small hairball.
Please do not hesitate to contact us if the dog files a counterclaim. Until then, rest easy.
Yours in warmth, Biscuit Pennington, Senior Partner, Sill and Paws Legal.
What Happens Next
The firm will review all complaints in the order in which they were received, or in the order in which we woke up. Clients should expect to wait no more than two to four business days, which are not a unit our staff recognise.
This letter is a fictional parody. No dogs were consulted, though one was mildly inconvenienced.